Reminding myself that I’m not a robot

Search for Productivity

For whatever reason, my brain only seeks productivity. It only seeks the most optimal situation. Maybe this is human nature, being a man, or just being a perfectionist. I’m really not sure. What I do know is that it has often been counteractive throughout my life. My desire for perfection has only caused more delays, anxiety, and hesitation than it has produced valuable action. My desire to squeeze productiveness out of every situation has left me burnt out and stressed. I end up feeling guilty on my days off. That can’t be good.

What is productivity?

The textbook definition is something along the lines of “how well can you manage your time” “how efficient are you” “how much can you get done in this hour”. As a human being, though, what is productivity? After tracking my macros and calories everyday, tracking my spending, focusing on drinking water, sleeping, education, hobbies, job, relationships, etc. it can feel like I am just putting inputs into a system to get my desires outputs. It feels calculated, regulated, and soulless. After all, a human being needs more than optimization. We need to be fed, spiritually. We need to be creatively stimulated. We need to have time to explore our boredom, find new hobbies, and just live. I want to experience things without pressure. How come when I find a new hobby I have to subconsciously find a way to profit off of it or make it “worth my time”? Why isn’t it just enough to enjoy something?

After all, why do I feel the need to be productive? Nobody in my life is putting that pressure on myself instead of me. If I had to get deep about it, I believe that it comes down to my need for control. I believe that many, if not all, things in life rely on me. That is simply not true. I need to learn to let go of the reigns and let God do His thing while I do mine. I just want to be a human. I don’t want to be scared that if I make a mistake or mishandle something my life will fall apart.

Live Life

These are probably things that I need to talk about in therapy instead of online, but as a writer I feel that it is my obligation to hold honesty and reality in my writing in the hopes that it will inspire another. Maybe you can relate to some of the things that I have just wrote. If so, let’s both make a decision here.

Let’s decide to let go of the agendas for now and to let go of the lists. Let go of your need to control. Accept responsibility over your life but let go of the pressure. Don’t be so serious. Now think about what you can do today that will feed your soul. What will put some real pep in your step? What do you love to do? (Just try not to say “doomscrolling”). Just lie on the floor and listen to music, go for a walk with some coffee, meet up with a friend, buy a cheap crafts project from the art store, try a new restaraunt, etc.

You are a human that needs more than just a productive routine and knocking things off of your list. You matter too.